It seems about every time I try to engage a group of people in conversation about relationships, listening, sharing thoughts and feelings with others, I run into the same problem. There are always at least a couple of men who just don’t feel comfortable “going there.”
Now I understand that! I was raised that way, too. But my rub comes from the guys who try to say that’s just the way men are—it’s in our genes. Hogwash! It’s cultural. It’s how we guys were raised. We’re from independent, do it yourself, take charge people whose ancestors were ranchers and pioneers.
Believe it or not, there are studies that tell us that if we deny our need to share feelings and to be loved and to love (not just your spouse and kids), we are at risk of actually perishing!
This from Dr. Henry S. Lodge in a book he co wrote with Chris Crowley, Younger Next Year.
In general, men don’t do such a great job of staying connected to people, or of living fully as they get older. Men think they can separate reason and emotion, mind and heart, thinking and feeling. Having performed that remarkable trick, they think they can put the emotional side on the back burner, or ignore it completely, and they tend to believe they will be better men as a result. This is a mistaken notion. It is not a good idea and it is not possible. It is unhealthy and delusional; it goes directly against the grain of how we were made….Connect, commit and be young.
His point, from the context of the rest of the chapter, is that if you deny your emotional side, if you won’t connect and commit, you’ll be a lonely old man. Lonely old men (and women) die. So if your manly lifelong habit is to avoid sharing, sharing feelings, you’ll soon forget how. It’ll be a lonely old existence, and a short one, for a lonely old man.
Good stuff Steve! Thanks for putting yourself out there every day!
ReplyDeleteSteve
ReplyDeleteYou write "But my rub comes from the guys who try to say that’s just the way men are—it’s in our genes. Hogwash! It’s cultural."
I would argue that both extremes are wrong. e.g. it's not just genes and it's not just cultural...it is in fact both. There certainly, I think, is a difference between men and women and their willingness and ability to share, that is, I think genetic. There is also the cultural influence, too.
I remember an instance of some friends that had three beautiful young girls and the mother insisted that the difference between boys and girls was just in how they were brought up. Then one day, they had a boy. Things changed for them when that boy came into their lives.
She and I had disagreed long and hard at times about the genetic differences between the sexes. She had an awakening and, lo and behold, she came over an apologized to me. She had thought one thing and her experience had shown something very different.
God created us differently and different we are.